Mom Chronicles #4

 When you have a kid, you spend approximately 99.67% of your time talking to said kid/s. It includes the time you are sleeping and talking to them in dreams or when they are in school and you are mentally planning the day for them or pre-empting their mistakes and tricks and planning around it, etc. 

So, in a nutshell, you're always talking to them. 

And you use a certain mom-language to do it. It's got modulations and frequencies. Like there is a frequency which instantly gets them disciplined, even if only for a second. Or the one where they know they have you wrapped around their tiny little finger!

When I talk to mine, I have observed that I end sentences with an endearment for him. Like bachu, kanna, beta, laddoo, baby, guddu, darling, and so on and so forth. 

If I'm annoyed with him, angry or frustrated or just plain helpless, I stick to his name! But with that modulation I told you about. That is enough for him to understand that he's entering sticky territory. 

Most often he'll defy it and there'll be war like few minutes. It doesn't diffuse on its own you know. It's a huge lesson on how fragile egos can be; Specially in parent-child conflicts and mind games. And boy, let me tell you, kids are unbelievably talented manipulators!!!! They know their way around very well. They also have different tactics for different people and different situations. Little imps, I tell you!

But I digress! Point being, we all speak a certain way with kids. And very often it percolates in our conversations with others too!

- I end up calling my husband 'bachu' sometimes, only to be met with very displeased glances and disapproval from the MIL (he he he)

- sometimes I call my maid 'guddu' and see her guffaw uncontrollably

- I called the neighbour lady "beta" ! She's at least two decades older to me!

You get the drift! These are regular minor ones and I tide over it and sometimes repeat these and move on like a boss!

But it was a slightly anxious encounter when I called a car-reselling-telemarketer 'baby' .... He was thrilled! He called me again the next day to just check if I had changed my mind and if I was now ready to sell a car I don't even have! 

Oh baby! 

Mom Chronicles #3

You know how kids are! 

They're INSANE - insanely adamant, insanely argumentative, insanely curious and insanely INSANELY CUTE! And only because they're THIS addddooorrraaabbbllleee and cute, are we able to put up with their other insanities !! Hahaha... At least that's been my theory about kids since the time I have one :-)

They constantly feel emotions and feelings and react to everything around them. I mean, anything can make them ecstatic...... Bubbles, words, farts, a colour, handkerchief, a moving curtain, fan, someone walking, sneeze, tree leaves, etc. 

Similarly, anything can tick them off and set them on a crazy spiral of anger, frustration and incessant, overflowing, unstoppable tears. This becomes more intense as they grow from the infancy stage. They're more in control and aware of their feelings and hence express it, without filter, all the time, at rattling speed.

Take for example, my three year old! 

Yesterday he went berserk because while giving him a bath, I dared to lift the red mug with my left hand. Left hand!!!! How could I? Why did I do that? I didn't even bother to think before doing it and nor did I inform him about my upcoming action. This was a punishable offence as far as he was concerned. So, I had to, of course, apologize to him, the red mug, my right hand and the soap (why the soap you ask - because it was the sorry witness of my sin, maybe)! And after the bath, I had to give him red and blue colour gems as MY punishment. 

Or that one time when the online school was celebrating "Independence Day". Well! What can I say! HOW DARE THEY! Colour a flag you said? Sing the National Anthem you said? I mean, what kind of a devil should one be to even think of celebrating such a thing! That there were tears, is an absolute understatement. The scar from that celebration lasted a solid one hour. I couldn't even find out what exactly made him so unhappy about independence day. Especially because, a few hours after this, he HIMSELF sat and coloured the flag and even tried to wear it on his shirt with excitement!

There was this once when he cried, cried a little more, wailed and sobbed uncontrollably for ten mins - because I said "WOW" as a happy reaction to a "painting" he had made. I can't even explain this to anyone. After ten mins though, he looked so cheerful and regular, that one could have easily thought the crying child was maybe a twin! Hehehehe!

That's how they are! Insanely crazy! Always brimming with energy, ideas, thoughts, feelings - big big feelings, emotions, questions (my goodness .... the sheer volume of questions!!!!), plans, etc etc.

They are like this ALL THE TIME ! They sleep only because physically God has (thankfully) designed it so! Otherwise, ALL the kids I know, DON'T want to sleep. Why waste all that time when you can just ask questions or do something silly or watch a feather fly! 

Or better still, FART, spend ten mins laughing and then suddenly cry, because you didn't want to fart at that time!!!!! :-)

Mom Chronicles #2

Lies, Fake Stories and Exaggerations I have mastered!

It all started when I had a baby. There were these “reflex’ white lies …  

- Are you sleeping as soon as the baby sleeps – oh yes I am !

- There’s no such thing as post-partum blues or depression – of course there isn’t !

- Hope you have started working on yourself and all the extra weight – Yes I barely eat !

- Hope you eat everything and aren’t already thinking of weight loss – Yes .. Everything !

- Hope you aren’t swaddling the poor child – No I am not !

- Hope you swaddle him every time he sleeps – Yes Yes !

Then there were exaggerations!

- I am so happy that the moment the baby closes his eyes to sleep, I fall into deep sleep myself and wake up only when he opens his eyes! Not a second on the mobile/TV or any other thing!

- I am eating all the laddoos in the world and haven’t put on a single kg of weight!

- I don’t have any issues with breastfeeding and latching – come on! I was born to do this!

- Etc, Etc.

I thought this was all there was to it. But Boy was I wrong!! 

Now I have reached a higher level of lies, exaggerations and fake stories!

- Moon uncle had called to say you must brush your teeth EVERY. DAY.!

- Sun uncle is crying because you are not eating and that’s why it is raining! Those are Sun uncle's tears!

- Dinosaur aaya thha dekhne ki munna abhi tak soya ki nahi!

- Yes – I always eat everything that is cooked whether I like it or no!

- Yes – I always sleep at 8pm! 

- When I was 2, I even cooked my own food!

- Lion aa gaya!

- Modi uncle ne lockdown kar diya fridge ka!

- Cleaning Uncle ate up ALL the wafers!

- Yeh Chai nahi hai – Dragon ka juice hai! Don’t touch it!

- This is not medicine – Yeh to meetha yellow colour ka juice hai!

- Mumma’s mobile is a gun!

And so on and on and on, every single day! While it is hilarious on most days, it’s also a bit exhausting because soon even these lies aren’t going to work on this small, adorable but extremely adamant and stubborn little being. And the scary bit is that he remembers these lies while I forget them the instant they leave my mouth.

I was having tea with the hubby one afternoon. He came running to me and slapped the glass of tea away in horror saying “mumma noooo – daaaaaagon juuuuiiiicceee”!!

Mom Chronicles #1

I recently became a mother (actually it’s been a little over a year – but I have decided I am a new mommy until my baby has a baby of its own – he he he). I went through a lot in those initial months … from euphoria, ecstasy and unlimited happiness to debilitating fear, non-stop worry and a permanent feeling of anxiety.

It hit me hard that one single being, one small single being, was capable of making me feel so many contradicting feelings all at once. From the crazy highs to the abysmal lows, I felt it all, all at once!

My family supported me through this in the best way possible – they just kept quiet and let me go through these feelings, laughs, tears, etc., making my own experiences. Well-meaning friends helped me find ways to not sway like a pendulum between my extreme feelings and find a more stable middle ground.

But there was this huge group of people – best known as experts and acquaintances, who generously gave me a lot of advice, opinions, ideas and oodles of judgement on various topics. Of course, all of it was unsolicited! They ranged from:
- how I was to deal with my ‘’non-existent’’ post-partum blues
- how I should raise the infant in my arms without breaking it
- how I must never ignore my husband lest he find someone else and how if that happened, it was no one else’s but my own doing
- how I should just instantly drop on the bed and sleep when the baby sleeps, no matter what I am doing
- how I must eat everything under the sun and lose weight at the same time
- ...and so on and on and on.

Fortunately, I had a lot of friends who had babies before I did and I knew that there would be a lot of such topics open for judgement by these experts J So while at times it got a little irritating, most times, it was entertaining, because I was judging them too, albeit silently and with a different point of view! :-)

Along with all this, I also had a very weird side effect of the pregnancy and delivery. I ended up having a really messy memory.
- I remembered only parts of conversations or stories.
- I would remember that I have to do something – but 90% of the time I couldn’t remember what that something was!
- I would promise people a call back or a visit or even invite them home and forget it the moment that conversation would get over. As a result of which, very frequently, people would come home to meet us at a time when I wouldn’t even be home! (Sorry.)
- I would send the same message, question or pictures to the same person on Whatsapp 3-4 times a day and they would politely tell me that we have already gone over this particular piece of conversation! (Thank you.)
- I would enter a room to do something and exit it doing something entirely different.

Only recently I realized that I still suffer from it. It might even have intensified. Yiiiikkkeeess!

I met an old friend in the market. We were so happy to bump into each other after years. After the initial pleasantries and information exchange, she asked me my daughter’s name. I spent almost 30 seconds trying to remember her name. I laughed nervously too while I was trying to remember the beautiful name. She looked shocked and I could see she was beginning to judge me mildly at the utter lack of memory regarding the most important part of my life. Time was running out and in that instant it hit me like a rock!

I have a Son! :-)

The Sign!

The last time I wrote my blog post, was on the last day of Ganesh Chathurti in 2017.

And I'm attempting to restart my blog again during Ganesh Chathurti, a full two years later!

A lot has conspired in these two years! A LOT ! But that's for later! For now, let me tell you about that day two years ago!

That day will always remain a special one for me.
I was upset and feeling particularly hopeless throughout the day. A lot of questions were unanswered in my mind, a lot of situations looked helpless and there was a desperation in me to find answers and solutions.

My ever so helpful husband decided that a walk towards Shivaji Park where we would see a lot of the Lord's idols would surely fill me with some much needed optimism. Or, at least, we could eat a vadapav since my mood had ensured the kitchen remained closed for dinner that night!! Hehehe!

The park is a good 25-30 mins walk from my house. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate any kind of exercise. I've taken cabs and autos for 2-3 min distances too! But that day was different. Moreover, roads were closed for visarjan and we wouldn't have found any transport either. So, we started walking!

By the time we reached half the distance, I was a dangerous mix of anger and hunger. This resulted in the questions in my mind gaining demonic proportions. I was extremely emotional and annoyed. Husband smartly figured that he had to extremely quickly either stuff my mouth with food or give perfect answers to my questions, else he would have to sleep hungry and scared, in the hall, without a pillow or blanket.

Our speeds increased: His - in the urgent quest to find the vadapav, mine - to just do something to make myself feel a sense of accomplishment!

But, both the vadapav and my achievement, were still a fair distance from where we were! Just when the desolation was creeping back into both of us, I saw a huge black figure covered in haze in front of me. The haze was a result of fumes from unnecessary and really loud crackers. But I admit, it did give the evening a dramatic moment. As the haze cleared, I saw him! I saw the baby faced Lord Ganpati idol, that I grew up seeing year after year after year! The huge one, who was my favorite from all idols I've loved, adored and worshipped. The one, who I had only seen once in that season because he wasn't close from where I stayed! He was from where my parents lived. He was family. And he came all the way, timing it in such a way, that I would come face to face with him just when I needed a sign!!

There he was... In all his glory, telling me, that I'm just a speck in this whole wide universe. Telling me that I'm making a mountain out of my molehill. Telling me that there are bigger problems in this world needing his attention. And telling me to fight my battles with the strength and courage he has given me in all these years.

As tears started following from my eyes, I prayed to him with a sense of unbelievable achievement, accomplishment, positivity and love. I realized my questions will get their answers eventually and my situations will figure a way out.... And for this, I had to be happy, healthy, kind and optimistic, even if I felt that it's the most difficult thing to do! As I looked at the idol go past me, I realized, that the force of nature is as much inside us, as it's outside! And the solution has been with us at all times waiting to be discovered!

So, with this unlimited renewed enthusiasm, very quickly, I tightly clutched my husband's hand and pulled him to the vadapav wala, who was smiling widely and waiting for us, armed with hot, tangy vadapavs in both his hands!!

Bappa Morya! :-)

Morya!

After close to two frenzied weeks, he left today! 

Burdened with the load of everyone's hopes, aspirations, wishes and countless prayers.
Burden? Maybe, maybe not!

For a believer, he looked sad. In each and every one of his manifested idols, the eyes carried a forlorn look.
For the non-believer, he left behind a sea of sad yet terribly noisy people. 

We bring him home relatively noiselessly. But we go berserk while saying our goodbyes. Wonder how that makes him feel!

But as he leaves today, here's a special wish and prayer for him, from all us mere mortals!

We hope that while lowering you in the not so clean waters, we didn't give you respiratory issues, Bappa :)
We hope that all the noise we made while saying goodbye, didn't deafen you, Bappa :)
We hope that all the food we offered you, didn't make you fatter, Bappa :)
We hope that all our individual and collective wishes and prayers, didn't make you upset with human kind, Bappa :)
We hope we were able to show you that in this increasingly worsening world, the good guys are still 51:49 to the bad guys, Bappa :)
We hope that by asking for our peace of mind, we didn't snatch yours away, Bappa :)
We hope that you have instilled in all our hearts the goodness and greatness that you are, Bappa :)

And finally Bappa, we hope that you have collected all our heartfelt love and blessings for you too, Bappa :)

Morya!!

Why is it so?

I have just been lazy! 

Ok, I did try to write a few times, but I couldn’t proceed beyond a few insipid lines! I think I was too far into believing that I was a cool writer type person – Thud! J

But you know, I have so many random things to ask and tell you’ll that I thought I’ll make one more attempt at writing and convey all these nonsensical things! Why should I suffer alone with these arbitrary thoughts J

So tell me, have you ever wondered how a white hair suddenly gets a lot of strength? I have a boring hair fall problem (There! I said it out on a public platform). Half the time I am worried about the amount of hair on the floor than the hair on my head. But I have never once seen a white hair on the floor. They seem to have some new found strength and vigor! Can anyone help me understand this!

Or try this extremely valid question posed to me by a 6 year old little boy in my building on the way to school (With immense hope): Aunty maine aaj subah potty nahi ki to mein school jaaun ya ghar pe hi rahu? (To make matters worse, his grandpa was accompanying him – and he seemed to expect an answer to this too).

Alternately, can you tell me how to decipher an Uber or Ola driver’s “Mein idhar hi to hun madam” when he comes to pick me up and is actually nowhere near my pick-up address! Is it mandatory to have extra-sensory powers while booking these cabs to know exactly where the driver is?

Or help me understand why every morning, milk and newspaper is delivered at 9 am, but on Sundays, it is promptly delivered at 7 am?

Also, does everyone finally get a seat in a train (after standing the whole time) just when the train is pulling up at their destination station or is this privilege unique just to me?

And finally, please tell me, Kattappa ne Baahubali ko kyun maara? This, even India wants to know! :) :)