Mom Chronicles #2

Lies, Fake Stories and Exaggerations I have mastered!

It all started when I had a baby. There were these “reflex’ white lies …  

- Are you sleeping as soon as the baby sleeps – oh yes I am !

- There’s no such thing as post-partum blues or depression – of course there isn’t !

- Hope you have started working on yourself and all the extra weight – Yes I barely eat !

- Hope you eat everything and aren’t already thinking of weight loss – Yes .. Everything !

- Hope you aren’t swaddling the poor child – No I am not !

- Hope you swaddle him every time he sleeps – Yes Yes !

Then there were exaggerations!

- I am so happy that the moment the baby closes his eyes to sleep, I fall into deep sleep myself and wake up only when he opens his eyes! Not a second on the mobile/TV or any other thing!

- I am eating all the laddoos in the world and haven’t put on a single kg of weight!

- I don’t have any issues with breastfeeding and latching – come on! I was born to do this!

- Etc, Etc.

I thought this was all there was to it. But Boy was I wrong!! 

Now I have reached a higher level of lies, exaggerations and fake stories!

- Moon uncle had called to say you must brush your teeth EVERY. DAY.!

- Sun uncle is crying because you are not eating and that’s why it is raining! Those are Sun uncle's tears!

- Dinosaur aaya thha dekhne ki munna abhi tak soya ki nahi!

- Yes – I always eat everything that is cooked whether I like it or no!

- Yes – I always sleep at 8pm! 

- When I was 2, I even cooked my own food!

- Lion aa gaya!

- Modi uncle ne lockdown kar diya fridge ka!

- Cleaning Uncle ate up ALL the wafers!

- Yeh Chai nahi hai – Dragon ka juice hai! Don’t touch it!

- This is not medicine – Yeh to meetha yellow colour ka juice hai!

- Mumma’s mobile is a gun!

And so on and on and on, every single day! While it is hilarious on most days, it’s also a bit exhausting because soon even these lies aren’t going to work on this small, adorable but extremely adamant and stubborn little being. And the scary bit is that he remembers these lies while I forget them the instant they leave my mouth.

I was having tea with the hubby one afternoon. He came running to me and slapped the glass of tea away in horror saying “mumma noooo – daaaaaagon juuuuiiiicceee”!!

Mom Chronicles #1

I recently became a mother (actually it’s been a little over a year – but I have decided I am a new mommy until my baby has a baby of its own – he he he). I went through a lot in those initial months … from euphoria, ecstasy and unlimited happiness to debilitating fear, non-stop worry and a permanent feeling of anxiety.

It hit me hard that one single being, one small single being, was capable of making me feel so many contradicting feelings all at once. From the crazy highs to the abysmal lows, I felt it all, all at once!

My family supported me through this in the best way possible – they just kept quiet and let me go through these feelings, laughs, tears, etc., making my own experiences. Well-meaning friends helped me find ways to not sway like a pendulum between my extreme feelings and find a more stable middle ground.

But there was this huge group of people – best known as experts and acquaintances, who generously gave me a lot of advice, opinions, ideas and oodles of judgement on various topics. Of course, all of it was unsolicited! They ranged from:
- how I was to deal with my ‘’non-existent’’ post-partum blues
- how I should raise the infant in my arms without breaking it
- how I must never ignore my husband lest he find someone else and how if that happened, it was no one else’s but my own doing
- how I should just instantly drop on the bed and sleep when the baby sleeps, no matter what I am doing
- how I must eat everything under the sun and lose weight at the same time
- ...and so on and on and on.

Fortunately, I had a lot of friends who had babies before I did and I knew that there would be a lot of such topics open for judgement by these experts J So while at times it got a little irritating, most times, it was entertaining, because I was judging them too, albeit silently and with a different point of view! :-)

Along with all this, I also had a very weird side effect of the pregnancy and delivery. I ended up having a really messy memory.
- I remembered only parts of conversations or stories.
- I would remember that I have to do something – but 90% of the time I couldn’t remember what that something was!
- I would promise people a call back or a visit or even invite them home and forget it the moment that conversation would get over. As a result of which, very frequently, people would come home to meet us at a time when I wouldn’t even be home! (Sorry.)
- I would send the same message, question or pictures to the same person on Whatsapp 3-4 times a day and they would politely tell me that we have already gone over this particular piece of conversation! (Thank you.)
- I would enter a room to do something and exit it doing something entirely different.

Only recently I realized that I still suffer from it. It might even have intensified. Yiiiikkkeeess!

I met an old friend in the market. We were so happy to bump into each other after years. After the initial pleasantries and information exchange, she asked me my daughter’s name. I spent almost 30 seconds trying to remember her name. I laughed nervously too while I was trying to remember the beautiful name. She looked shocked and I could see she was beginning to judge me mildly at the utter lack of memory regarding the most important part of my life. Time was running out and in that instant it hit me like a rock!

I have a Son! :-)

The Sign!

The last time I wrote my blog post, was on the last day of Ganesh Chathurti in 2017.

And I'm attempting to restart my blog again during Ganesh Chathurti, a full two years later!

A lot has conspired in these two years! A LOT ! But that's for later! For now, let me tell you about that day two years ago!

That day will always remain a special one for me.
I was upset and feeling particularly hopeless throughout the day. A lot of questions were unanswered in my mind, a lot of situations looked helpless and there was a desperation in me to find answers and solutions.

My ever so helpful husband decided that a walk towards Shivaji Park where we would see a lot of the Lord's idols would surely fill me with some much needed optimism. Or, at least, we could eat a vadapav since my mood had ensured the kitchen remained closed for dinner that night!! Hehehe!

The park is a good 25-30 mins walk from my house. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate any kind of exercise. I've taken cabs and autos for 2-3 min distances too! But that day was different. Moreover, roads were closed for visarjan and we wouldn't have found any transport either. So, we started walking!

By the time we reached half the distance, I was a dangerous mix of anger and hunger. This resulted in the questions in my mind gaining demonic proportions. I was extremely emotional and annoyed. Husband smartly figured that he had to extremely quickly either stuff my mouth with food or give perfect answers to my questions, else he would have to sleep hungry and scared, in the hall, without a pillow or blanket.

Our speeds increased: His - in the urgent quest to find the vadapav, mine - to just do something to make myself feel a sense of accomplishment!

But, both the vadapav and my achievement, were still a fair distance from where we were! Just when the desolation was creeping back into both of us, I saw a huge black figure covered in haze in front of me. The haze was a result of fumes from unnecessary and really loud crackers. But I admit, it did give the evening a dramatic moment. As the haze cleared, I saw him! I saw the baby faced Lord Ganpati idol, that I grew up seeing year after year after year! The huge one, who was my favorite from all idols I've loved, adored and worshipped. The one, who I had only seen once in that season because he wasn't close from where I stayed! He was from where my parents lived. He was family. And he came all the way, timing it in such a way, that I would come face to face with him just when I needed a sign!!

There he was... In all his glory, telling me, that I'm just a speck in this whole wide universe. Telling me that I'm making a mountain out of my molehill. Telling me that there are bigger problems in this world needing his attention. And telling me to fight my battles with the strength and courage he has given me in all these years.

As tears started following from my eyes, I prayed to him with a sense of unbelievable achievement, accomplishment, positivity and love. I realized my questions will get their answers eventually and my situations will figure a way out.... And for this, I had to be happy, healthy, kind and optimistic, even if I felt that it's the most difficult thing to do! As I looked at the idol go past me, I realized, that the force of nature is as much inside us, as it's outside! And the solution has been with us at all times waiting to be discovered!

So, with this unlimited renewed enthusiasm, very quickly, I tightly clutched my husband's hand and pulled him to the vadapav wala, who was smiling widely and waiting for us, armed with hot, tangy vadapavs in both his hands!!

Bappa Morya! :-)

Morya!

After close to two frenzied weeks, he left today! 

Burdened with the load of everyone's hopes, aspirations, wishes and countless prayers.
Burden? Maybe, maybe not!

For a believer, he looked sad. In each and every one of his manifested idols, the eyes carried a forlorn look.
For the non-believer, he left behind a sea of sad yet terribly noisy people. 

We bring him home relatively noiselessly. But we go berserk while saying our goodbyes. Wonder how that makes him feel!

But as he leaves today, here's a special wish and prayer for him, from all us mere mortals!

We hope that while lowering you in the not so clean waters, we didn't give you respiratory issues, Bappa :)
We hope that all the noise we made while saying goodbye, didn't deafen you, Bappa :)
We hope that all the food we offered you, didn't make you fatter, Bappa :)
We hope that all our individual and collective wishes and prayers, didn't make you upset with human kind, Bappa :)
We hope we were able to show you that in this increasingly worsening world, the good guys are still 51:49 to the bad guys, Bappa :)
We hope that by asking for our peace of mind, we didn't snatch yours away, Bappa :)
We hope that you have instilled in all our hearts the goodness and greatness that you are, Bappa :)

And finally Bappa, we hope that you have collected all our heartfelt love and blessings for you too, Bappa :)

Morya!!

Why is it so?

I have just been lazy! 

Ok, I did try to write a few times, but I couldn’t proceed beyond a few insipid lines! I think I was too far into believing that I was a cool writer type person – Thud! J

But you know, I have so many random things to ask and tell you’ll that I thought I’ll make one more attempt at writing and convey all these nonsensical things! Why should I suffer alone with these arbitrary thoughts J

So tell me, have you ever wondered how a white hair suddenly gets a lot of strength? I have a boring hair fall problem (There! I said it out on a public platform). Half the time I am worried about the amount of hair on the floor than the hair on my head. But I have never once seen a white hair on the floor. They seem to have some new found strength and vigor! Can anyone help me understand this!

Or try this extremely valid question posed to me by a 6 year old little boy in my building on the way to school (With immense hope): Aunty maine aaj subah potty nahi ki to mein school jaaun ya ghar pe hi rahu? (To make matters worse, his grandpa was accompanying him – and he seemed to expect an answer to this too).

Alternately, can you tell me how to decipher an Uber or Ola driver’s “Mein idhar hi to hun madam” when he comes to pick me up and is actually nowhere near my pick-up address! Is it mandatory to have extra-sensory powers while booking these cabs to know exactly where the driver is?

Or help me understand why every morning, milk and newspaper is delivered at 9 am, but on Sundays, it is promptly delivered at 7 am?

Also, does everyone finally get a seat in a train (after standing the whole time) just when the train is pulling up at their destination station or is this privilege unique just to me?

And finally, please tell me, Kattappa ne Baahubali ko kyun maara? This, even India wants to know! :) :)

Birds of a feather, flock together!

In our everyday lives, this idiom/proverb is so very true. Be it our friends, our favourite type of cousins or relatives, our acquaintances – we somehow end up being around or connecting with people who have something in common with us.

And with this confidence, I tell you, that I flock together (at an odd virtual level) with a lot of the weirdos of this world!

Take for instance, the case of a contractor who once came to my house for some renovation work and ended up cribbing to me “Auraton ko akkal kahan hoti hai madam” in reference to a squabble with his wife. He also coolly painted a wall pink – despite us telling him to use beige. When we tried to reason with him, he told us “Mujhe laga pink chahiye hoga” with no evidence whatsoever to support this feeling!

Or the case of my fabulous replacement maid – Vandana Maushi :)

Or that disgusted call centre employee who wanted to know “which credit card is holding you now madam”.

Or even a taxi driver who once overheard an entire conversation I had with my mom regarding buying a house and remarked quite confidently that I don’t look like I could afford a house in Bambai! [If you want to know his exact words – “Maidum, aap bambai mein ghar to nahi le paoge” – (Kyun Uncle) – “mein logon ko dekhte hi samajh jaata hun”]

Or,

The curious case of my regular electrician.

Mr Diaz. About 45 years old. He is unkempt, shabbily dressed and has only half a front tooth which makes him look permanently under pressure. But contrary to his outward image, he’s a very calm and cheerful person. His English is particularly engaging. Whenever I call him for some work, he always answers the phone with: “Hello, Now what happened?”

So on cue, one fine day, my geyser fell ill! Mr Diaz landed up, inspected the geyser and said “There is a problem with the geyser”. (He seemed to have forgotten that I had indeed called him to address a problem with the geyser). And then continued with “Geyser is gone”. And continued still further with “Your geyser ko repair is needed”.

By this time, already blown away by his phenomenal discovery, I had started to fumble with words. And before I found a few correct words, he started working his magic on the geyser. He sorted the geyser out; gave it the love it needed and it was back to heating up water like a pro! He took his fees (which is generally just ANY figure that pops up in his head – regardless of the actual quantum of work he puts in). And then he left saying “what this is, all times your electric problem happens”, accompanied with a long chuckle and a shaking of the head. Sigh.

A couple of weeks later I received a Whatsapp message from an unknown number - “Hi how geyser”

You know who it was from, right?  :) I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to start a Whatsapp messaging habit with him. He later called in the evening and asked me in a clearly annoyed voice “Why reply you didn’t do to my what up message that time” – I told him I don’t use Whatsapp much (Tee hee) and discussed how the geyser was working fine - “it will work only no after I repair it myself”.

The phone call got me thinking. I had very quickly, easily and coolly stereotyped Mr Diaz as someone who’d not know his ways with tech advancements, or have business skills like following up or even be someone who is open to trying new things. Yet, he had clearly stumped me with his ‘what up’ message.

And it’s then that it dawned! He’s like me. Of course we are not totally similar. But we both have our weird eccentricities and idiosyncrasies. And maybe that’s why I actually noted these exchanges and quirkiness. My husband too has been around mostly whenever Mr Diaz has come home. But he never seems to notice all these small minor things :)

And this is when the other thought hit me. Birds of the same feather flock together, don’t they? At some celestial or virtual or surreal level, all similar people within our immediate universe, somehow find a way to connect with each other, even if for a little while, in any way and add to the innumerable experiences that the world goes through :)  And it takes one to recognize the other ;)

I often get asked how I end up encountering weird people regularly in life. Well, I hope you've found your answer. I am weird. And so, I find a way to find other weirdos and together, we quirk up the world just a little bit more for you! :)

The Garden Court!

It was an open court. In a garden!

The pedestal had the judge’s elaborate chair and desk. On either side of the pedestal were the docks – one for the guilty and the other for witnesses. They were decorated with flowers and balloons.

It seemed strange at first – but then, I eased into this new setting.

The Judge looked really sad. He kept demanding for Tea and his helper kept giving him Juice. But the Judge didn’t seem to lose his cool, instead he patiently drank the juice at all times.

I was defending the guilty. His crime was that he had threatened his family members with dire consequences due to an alleged affair between his nephew and some girl. The guilty was a popular middle-aged actor from TV sitcoms. This actor threatened me too – “If you don’t win this case, you’ll pay for it”. Gulp!

The nephew and girl in consideration were sitting in the 'garden court' too. They seemed surprisingly at ease. They were sitting on the floor and sharing a tub of popcorn – without a single worry about the case. They were extremely friendly with me too indulging in a lot of small talk regarding the weather, recent movies, etc.

The court was packed with at least 100-120 people. They all seemed to be patiently waiting for proceedings to start. They didn’t even talk much. Some of them were knitting sweaters.

The girl’s family came by and sat behind me. I wondered why, though. Shouldn’t they be sitting next to their lawyer? I glanced around on the other side of the table and found my rival. She was my colleague from my work place. This was a surprise! How could the same company defend both parties? And why didn’t I know about this earlier? But good – maybe she could help me with a few sections to win this case. Ha!

And then suddenly, the strangest bit of this whole situation hit me…. I wasn’t a lawyer!
Terrible fear gripped me. I felt numb. I couldn’t feel my fingers. My eyes seemed to bulge out. How on earth am I going to fight this case, let alone win it!!! And I reached out for my water bottle. Water would surely help calm my nerves. I drank it all in one big gulp.

The actor came by with his big long glittering entourage and announced he’d be back after having breakfast. He left. I was appalled. How could he disrespect the Law and the Judge? But the others didn’t seem to mind. The judge ordered another cup of tea and got juice, the couple continued eating the popcorn, the relatives started cutting vegetables to save time and the crowd sat through patiently.

I thought I might as well eat something till my client returns. I opened the lunch box my mother had packed for me ever so lovingly. There was a single tomato in it. Huh?! Mom packed a tomato?? Well, what could I do?! I ate it anyway.

My mouth was stuffed with the tomato. The more I ate it, the more difficult it got for me to gulp it down. I couldn’t feel my tongue. I couldn’t breathe. My mouth was swollen. I felt like vomiting but I couldn’t. What was happening? I was gasping for breath. I looked around frantically for help but no one even seemed to notice my emergency.

But I heard someone calling out to me loudly and saying something to me. I kept looking around with the demonic tomato in my mouth. I couldn’t see anyone but the voice got louder every 2 minutes.

Suddenly, I could hear it all too well! Crystal clear!

“Wake up now. It’s already 8am. You are going to be terribly late for work today, sleepyhead!!!”