Mom Chronicles #1

I recently became a mother (actually it’s been a little over a year – but I have decided I am a new mommy until my baby has a baby of its own – he he he). I went through a lot in those initial months … from euphoria, ecstasy and unlimited happiness to debilitating fear, non-stop worry and a permanent feeling of anxiety.

It hit me hard that one single being, one small single being, was capable of making me feel so many contradicting feelings all at once. From the crazy highs to the abysmal lows, I felt it all, all at once!

My family supported me through this in the best way possible – they just kept quiet and let me go through these feelings, laughs, tears, etc., making my own experiences. Well-meaning friends helped me find ways to not sway like a pendulum between my extreme feelings and find a more stable middle ground.

But there was this huge group of people – best known as experts and acquaintances, who generously gave me a lot of advice, opinions, ideas and oodles of judgement on various topics. Of course, all of it was unsolicited! They ranged from:
- how I was to deal with my ‘’non-existent’’ post-partum blues
- how I should raise the infant in my arms without breaking it
- how I must never ignore my husband lest he find someone else and how if that happened, it was no one else’s but my own doing
- how I should just instantly drop on the bed and sleep when the baby sleeps, no matter what I am doing
- how I must eat everything under the sun and lose weight at the same time
- ...and so on and on and on.

Fortunately, I had a lot of friends who had babies before I did and I knew that there would be a lot of such topics open for judgement by these experts J So while at times it got a little irritating, most times, it was entertaining, because I was judging them too, albeit silently and with a different point of view! :-)

Along with all this, I also had a very weird side effect of the pregnancy and delivery. I ended up having a really messy memory.
- I remembered only parts of conversations or stories.
- I would remember that I have to do something – but 90% of the time I couldn’t remember what that something was!
- I would promise people a call back or a visit or even invite them home and forget it the moment that conversation would get over. As a result of which, very frequently, people would come home to meet us at a time when I wouldn’t even be home! (Sorry.)
- I would send the same message, question or pictures to the same person on Whatsapp 3-4 times a day and they would politely tell me that we have already gone over this particular piece of conversation! (Thank you.)
- I would enter a room to do something and exit it doing something entirely different.

Only recently I realized that I still suffer from it. It might even have intensified. Yiiiikkkeeess!

I met an old friend in the market. We were so happy to bump into each other after years. After the initial pleasantries and information exchange, she asked me my daughter’s name. I spent almost 30 seconds trying to remember her name. I laughed nervously too while I was trying to remember the beautiful name. She looked shocked and I could see she was beginning to judge me mildly at the utter lack of memory regarding the most important part of my life. Time was running out and in that instant it hit me like a rock!

I have a Son! :-)

The Sign!

The last time I wrote my blog post, was on the last day of Ganesh Chathurti in 2017.

And I'm attempting to restart my blog again during Ganesh Chathurti, a full two years later!

A lot has conspired in these two years! A LOT ! But that's for later! For now, let me tell you about that day two years ago!

That day will always remain a special one for me.
I was upset and feeling particularly hopeless throughout the day. A lot of questions were unanswered in my mind, a lot of situations looked helpless and there was a desperation in me to find answers and solutions.

My ever so helpful husband decided that a walk towards Shivaji Park where we would see a lot of the Lord's idols would surely fill me with some much needed optimism. Or, at least, we could eat a vadapav since my mood had ensured the kitchen remained closed for dinner that night!! Hehehe!

The park is a good 25-30 mins walk from my house. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate any kind of exercise. I've taken cabs and autos for 2-3 min distances too! But that day was different. Moreover, roads were closed for visarjan and we wouldn't have found any transport either. So, we started walking!

By the time we reached half the distance, I was a dangerous mix of anger and hunger. This resulted in the questions in my mind gaining demonic proportions. I was extremely emotional and annoyed. Husband smartly figured that he had to extremely quickly either stuff my mouth with food or give perfect answers to my questions, else he would have to sleep hungry and scared, in the hall, without a pillow or blanket.

Our speeds increased: His - in the urgent quest to find the vadapav, mine - to just do something to make myself feel a sense of accomplishment!

But, both the vadapav and my achievement, were still a fair distance from where we were! Just when the desolation was creeping back into both of us, I saw a huge black figure covered in haze in front of me. The haze was a result of fumes from unnecessary and really loud crackers. But I admit, it did give the evening a dramatic moment. As the haze cleared, I saw him! I saw the baby faced Lord Ganpati idol, that I grew up seeing year after year after year! The huge one, who was my favorite from all idols I've loved, adored and worshipped. The one, who I had only seen once in that season because he wasn't close from where I stayed! He was from where my parents lived. He was family. And he came all the way, timing it in such a way, that I would come face to face with him just when I needed a sign!!

There he was... In all his glory, telling me, that I'm just a speck in this whole wide universe. Telling me that I'm making a mountain out of my molehill. Telling me that there are bigger problems in this world needing his attention. And telling me to fight my battles with the strength and courage he has given me in all these years.

As tears started following from my eyes, I prayed to him with a sense of unbelievable achievement, accomplishment, positivity and love. I realized my questions will get their answers eventually and my situations will figure a way out.... And for this, I had to be happy, healthy, kind and optimistic, even if I felt that it's the most difficult thing to do! As I looked at the idol go past me, I realized, that the force of nature is as much inside us, as it's outside! And the solution has been with us at all times waiting to be discovered!

So, with this unlimited renewed enthusiasm, very quickly, I tightly clutched my husband's hand and pulled him to the vadapav wala, who was smiling widely and waiting for us, armed with hot, tangy vadapavs in both his hands!!

Bappa Morya! :-)